The Inception Dream World

El Capitan

Diamondhead State Monument in Hawaii

I think I should record my dream before I forget.

I wanted to write it down this morning, but was in my usual I'm-frantic-as-I-get-ready-for-work state. Which is unfortunate because perhaps I have forgotten key aspects to the dream, or now this is lost in translation...

I was in Tahoe last week so most likely this is where the setting for the dream came to be...I was in some kind of national forest. In my dream it was assuredly Diamond Head State Monument, which is funny because that park is in Hawaii (I've been there).

But in my dream I wasn't in Hawaii.
But in my dream I did see the actual Diamond Head, which is funny again because I haven't seen the image of that since I was about seven (but have thought about it again several weeks ago as I was planning a now canceled trip to Hawaii with my mother). Isn't that strange?

Except Diamond Head had morphed with both Tahoe National Forest and Yosemite...so the figure of Diamond Head somehow became El Capitan as well.

It was astonishingly sunny, bright, and beautiful, the whole of my dream, even indoors.

EVERYONE was there. All of my friends. My family. It reminded me of the final episode of Lost; all the important people (as well as unimportant - there were people EVERYWHERE) were there and DRESSED UP.

I don't remember what was said to all of my friends & fam. I just remember walking around the "park" and some large facility that resembled an aging elementary school, that somehow morphed into a fancy train in which everyone was dressed in formal attire.

Out of nowhere, I saw my old roommate sitting on train steps next to a handsome man in a suit (She met him on Match.com LOL). I said hello and we talked some nonsense.

Another friend of mine was standing behind her for some damn reason.

Somewhere in that zone, I woke up.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Everyone was in my dream except my father.

The whole dream, I had been searching for him, on that damn train. Looking through rooms and corridors and corners and he is nowhere to be found.

In my realest reality, that is OK. But I woke up on this beautiful Friday in the worst mood even though the dream wasn't "bad".


It's OK. I'm pretty sure I'll have a damn good Friday (all the alcoholics in the house, say heyyyy LOL). I'm having a good Friday already. I didn't get the internship I wanted for Arnold Schwarzenegger's newsroom, but they said they may want me for another department, so I'm getting interviewed again next week. And the boss that I am terrified of said good morning to me, and he referred to me by my NAME (I wasn't sure he knew my name lolol). And in an hour I'm getting the stitch in my back out, and hopefully will learn of my biopsy results, and can ask my dermatologist further questions...hmm.


I'll get over my daddy issues soon, in a few years, or decades. Mentally I have told myself to stop searching.

We'll see.

Birds of prey

I have been encouraged to write in this more, so I will try although at times it seems a lost cause.

I'm at work right now and feel as though my computer activity is being watched by hawks... but I have a lot on my mind.

Item One is my recent (as in the past year, that I have begun to address) realization of my mother's loneliness that has been the pit of my weakness and the source of my guilt. I have been her punching bag and she has not unbolted me.

Item Two is that I will unbolt myself. I will let go of all this negative energy. That might be impossible but I can already picture on paper, a dark cloud leaving my body. I will not even blame anyone. I will not even blame myself. I will just trash it.


Just now, just an hour ago, I was walking around outside (on Market St. in the Financial District) minding my own damn business when I locked eyes with a man in business attire. I could not look away due to the strange nature of his walk and the intense expression on his face... As he walked past, he said something completely sick and depraved to me.

The most regular looking man with such a complexly disturbed mental interior... There are vultures out there.

A wink, a smile, some comforting words

May,

This is an extraordinary essay, beautifully written, powerfully argued, at once lucid, nuanced and passionate. You have beautifully used Schweithart's essay to open up both Pizan's and Sand's texts and have exceeded my expectations. Congratulations - what a powerful writer - what an amazing reader of texts you are. It was such a pleasure to read this paper.

Let me amuse myself and pretend that there is a God. For fifteen minutes, my heart had floated. It was if He had known (I struggle not to put He in quotations) of my flailing confidence, in myself, in my future. All my doubts as a "writer", a literature student. And to then be affirmed by an established intellectual. To be proud. To keep dreaming.

In my last post, I had mentioned that I had written something depressing. It was precisely this subject matter that I had written on; the thoughts ravaging my mind, all my capabilities, but more so, my incapabilities. A future of grey skies and routine. (The lyrics to Fitter, Happier sum it up quite well, as does another poem that is off the tip of my tongue, but I can't seem to remember the author or title, and it is driving me a bit bonkers.)

A confidence boost, indeed.

I spent the rest of the evening watching Animal Planet, reading, and taking breaks to discuss my cats. Typical me. A telephone conversation with Rachael (Hello). And now, bed.

There are good days,

There are bad days.