Codeine and Vodka

sans vodka.

I'm high off codeine right now. It feels very similar to marijuana, except with codeine you have to deal with the terrible taste and initial nausea. With codeine, there is also more of a physical tingling/throbbing sensation, particularly in the hands.

At least that is how it is for me.

I'm about to seal the deal and smoke some (vape!), but not before entering a few words into this white text box...

Wait a minute -- *takes puff from inhaler after cough attack* Ahhhhhh.

- - - - - - - - -

The reason I am abusing substances right now is because I seem to have bacterial bronchitis at the moment. Well, I suppose this is not abuse since this is all legal. (Feel free to skip the next few paragraphs, it is a bit redundant)

I have been sick for the past three weeks. It started out with an innocent tickle in the throat, just in the morning and at night, for a few days. Slowly the feeling grew stronger, but I, being the dumb retarded ingrate bitch that I am, ignored it, until I felt an increasing sensation of daily fatigue, but all was manageable.

Until that Thursday two weeks ago when I woke up with that horrible swollen swelling brain dizzy feeling. Since I had already been waking up and feeling sick already, I tiredly proceeded to my morning class, only to find that the feeling was ever increasing. I came home desperate for my bed. In it, I collapsed, and the sensation of murkiness subsided as I fell into a deep sleep.

This phase of the sickness continued for a couple days, then transformed into a few days of extreme congestion, then extreme runny nose, and now I seem to be in the final (I hope) phase, Cough Til' Ya Die (nix on the dying). (Fareal though, I was contemplating going to the emergency room on Sunday night when breathing got difficult, this prompted me to finally see a doctor the next day)

Of course, these symptoms love to mix-and-match, but for the most part, I'm just in coughing mode now.

- - - - - - - - -

Was there a point to me stupidly describing my very-bad-cold in detail? Of course not, there is never a point to anything I am saying.

But, probably what I am trying to say is that my body feels like shit, and as seen from my last post, my mind feels like shit. On top of that, a cold sore has developed on my lip, which is not only gross, but also troublesome because I never used to get cold sores, but now I do, due to my body being constantly weakened by physical and psychological stress. AfterawhileallmybitchinggetsreallyredundantandIcangoonandonabouthowunfortunateIam, but perhaps I can reduce my argument more-

The other day, I was watching Addicted (say hello to my inner sadist) about a woman addicted to prescription pills. Boy, was she fucked up. Day in and day out she'd be poppin' those pills, and it's not like she'd go crazy and recklessly run about town with a fucking machete. Rather, she would sit on her couch and eat cereal, and suddenly slump over and fall asleep into her cereal. Then awaken and spend the rest of her day as a drone, entering and leaving reality, quiet with her body tilting at various angles.

There is our world, but she simply wasn't in it.

Okay, it sounds frightening, but in a way, I understood. To not want to deal with all these affairs- family affairs, friend affairs, work/school affairs -the business of life, a never-ending to-do list. You pop em' pills and it's an escape.

Unhealthy, nonsensical? Yes. But do I sympathize? To an extent, a smidgen of an extent, yes. The older and "wiser" and more stressed out I get, the more I sympathize with such behavior. Who wants to deal with the daily bullshit anymore. Who wants to work with the premise that you must earn money, because that is the fundamental tool for success in this society (more or less). Who wants to make relationships with people that ultimately will never understand you.

So that is when you start to become a drone.

There is more to life, I understand that. I am not a cold-hearted bitch, at least not completely, not in essence. But there are times when I'd like to clear my mind, lose all this negativity. So that part of me "understands" drug abuse.

Anywho, thank god fo' weed.

Make you feel that way

Make you feel that way...

Up and early for the hope of a brand new day
See a homie you ain't seen since back in the day
Fresh haircut fitted wit a fat ass fade
End of work, we chilling on a Saturday
How you felt when you first heard the data came
Rakim KRS hey I had that tape
Cooling out with ol girl on a fat ass date
Find a hundred dollar bill wow man that's great
Get promoted at your job up to management
Plot a long time finally a plan has made it
Time I feel I wanna shout, man its real that way
Wanna think of things that make you feel that way

.....

Christmas day when your mamma got your first bike
Type of feeling when you went and when your first fight
How your team felt winning championship games
Celebrate in a huddle dancing in this rain
Have a thought see a shooting star cross your screen
Put in hard work finally your living your dream
Deaf man get his hearing now in come vibes
Blind man get sight see his first sunrise
Dumb man speaking out, now he's load and clear
Earth through your chout smile so proud ya wear
Going in your third eye for the styles ya hear
Making music that'll bump for a thousand years
Eating right feeling conscience like health is first
Said a prayer that's sincere and you felt it work
Times I feel I wanna shout, man it's real that way
When I'm thinking things that make you feel that way

.....

All up in her vibe something coming over me
Summer days more likely that you notice breezes
Winter days more likely that you notice heat
When I'm warm more likely that you notice me
In the dark it's more likely that you notice light
In the light more likely that you notice night
Hungry more appreciation for that meal
Dead broke more appreciation for that grill
A bad day'll make you really notice ones that's good
And that'll make things a little better understood
Times I feel I wanna shout, man it's real that way
When I think of things that make you feel that way
Make you feel that way...

---------
(Ya know its like ahh like the most greatest feeling you could ever feel
you like just total illation. Sunny day, just that day.
You know its just like you know just the most joyous feeling
you could ever comprehend. You know, chilling with your family.
You know just you know just really really feeling,
feeling the moment, with the folks. Ya know really really really just chilling.
It's love. It's love. It's love)

Song makes me happy. Lyrics are a go.

I had a bad day. I was exhausted. I still have a bad cold and have been coughing till my eyes tear up. From dawn till dusk I'd been working on school related things: waking up at 6 am, driving to Davis, realizing I never did my homework due at 10, stressing, giving up, bullshitting, realizing I would be busy all afternoon and night, and on top of that, had a group meeting at 9 p.m. of all hours, and still more to do after that.

All because I didn't do shit over the weekend except play.

At the same time I thought of how wonderful the weekend was, how much fun I had with my friends, laughing and joking and fucking the weekday, because fuck the weekday.

And I was thinking this morning as I was driving in the Monday Bay Area fog gloom, falling in and out of traffic, how much I hated the start of Monday; that's when the flood of thoughts come in and all the things to do and how much I suck and how much school sucks - back on the Monday grind when I fucking hate the Monday grind.

Fuck the grind, fuck Mondays, fuck routine. So sick of the same shit day in and day out. So fucking pointless.

Such are the relentless negative Monday morning thoughts of May Yang. Not like this every Monday, but on particular Mondays of stuffy nosedness, headachiness, cloudy, rainy, stress-provoking, almost Finals, Monday, Monday, Monday. Didn't U2 mean to write "Monday, Bloody Monday" instead of whatever crap they wrote? Sundays still have promise. Monday is only good because it leads to Friday.

All in all, I felt like this all day:

Cloudy headed, disconnected, & fucked-up looking.

It wasn't until the end of the night did I remind myself of the Universal Rule of Chill. Just gotta chill sometimes.

I'll be cool man. Just gotta take it slow, breathe a little, laugh a lot, smoke up when I need to. I got all the right tools - friends, family, etc. - just gotta u-til-lize my resources, yanno? & shit.

Pop dat Dayquil/Nyquil, (didn't know combining Sudafed and Dayquil could potentially cause death), drink cough syrup like you're Lil' Wayne, smoke a blunt, whatever.

Coo'. Chill.

Everything's coo'.

It's 3 am and I'm ruminating over the shet-load of things I must do this week. They include:

• A midterm
• A "midterm interview" - basically an oral midterm for Chinese class
• Advising appointment
• A quiz on Freud's "The Uncanny"
• 2 quizzes for Chinese class
• A Shakespeare essay (4-5 pages)
• Schedule my first interview for my editorial internship (gulp)

I'm up right now after spending the latter part of the night studying for the midterm - still a long way to go, but have to stop and continue after my Chinese class tomorrow. Am now trying to finish my Chinese homework that is due in the morning. And thinking on what day shall I start x in order to turn in x on such and such day? (Example: Must read Shakespeare on Tuesday and have outline done by Wednesday? Read "The Uncanny" on Tuesday before class, but then when do I finish the chapter on Psychoanalysis? Etc, etc.)

I'm stressed out - need to time-manage more efficiently.

My memory is becoming more and more impaired. I forgot where I read - a Yahoo article I think - that the type of person who, on the daily, is forgetting where he/she is putting his/her keys a minute after putting them down...is not just a "forgetful" type, but simply overscheduled. Biologically (neurologically?) inept to handle this much.

A brain can only handle so much. A no-brainer, really.

Also doesn't help that my body serves as a chimney for all that pot smoking. Knowing that I would be regretfully busy this week, I left my newly purchased quad (of C-4, a potent hybrid) at home. Less smoking this week, lady. (I do have an edible on me -- it's waiting.)

If you'd like to take a peek at my smoking habits the past month, please check out my daytum account. These statistics are from a lot of guessing. I think it's fun!

I'm clearly a stoner. I don't know why I'm sober right now. Oh right, that homework...back to that.

Greetings! It's been far too long. March is nearly over and I find myself at just my second post this month. Hm. I was hoping to at least post 4x a month. Perhaps I will force myself to write everyday for the remainder of March? What do you think?

I'm sitting on my backyard deck chair outside. I'm sipping an iced coffee. The sun is embracing me. I've spent the day hungover and lazy, downloading music, reading blogs and such. It is satisfying. My dog lies lazily next to me.

Sadly, today is my last day of Spring Break. I am thinking it would be a good idea to summarize Winter Quarter, this wonderful Spring Break, and my upcoming Spring Quarter...via bullet-point, of course.

winter quarter

• 17 units: 2 Chinese classes, 2 Comparative Literature classes
• Which lead to an insane amount of all-nighters
• Hundreds of pages read
• And about 40 pages worth of essays were written
• But in the end I made it out with 2 A's, a B, and I'm still waiting for another grade to be released (I'm a bit worried as to why I haven't received my grade yet)
• And I was high almost every night

spring break

• A good balance of work, productivity, and partying
• Bowls, bongs, blunts...joints, pipe, glass
• OG Kush, Jackpot, Shiva Skunk, GDP...
• Grey Goose, Stoli...
• Cigarettes, general sin, I'm-twenty-and-don't-care
• Really, just getting uber fucked up
• ~45 hours of work, San Francisco, love
• Smoking a Nat Sherman in a hidden corner behind the Ferry Building by myself, overlooking the ocean, the Bay Bridge, sun, solace, peace pax pace...
• Summer internship searching
• Deadmau5, Kaskade, Matt Alber, Gabriel & Dresden, etc.
• B.o.B. ft. Bruno Mars - Nothin' On You
• Ghetto Superstar <3
• I love my friends. I repeat- I love my friends.

spring quarter

• Again, 2 Chinese classes, 2 Comparative Literature classes
• One of which is a class on Shakespeare. This makes me want to spray my pants.
• This quarter, I will figure out what I will be doing this summer. Whether that means summer school or interning/working in SF or going to China...I have no clue.
• All I know is that I'm turning 21 in a little over two weeks. You know it's going to be insane.
• A visit to an undergraduate advisor is very necessary.
• As is a visit to my Comp. Lit. advisor -- I plan on writing a sick senior thesis, but this may require negotiating.

I was uber fucked up last night. Like so fucked up...high to cross-faded to drunk. That was such a fucked up night. I actually yacked and that happens infrequently with me. So you know I was straight fucked up. Let me reiterate once again- I WAS FUCKED UP. Thanks for that, friends. Happy birthday Chris Lau.

The Electronic Music Festival in Miami. It sounds incredible. I would love to go this. Miami is where it's at.

Another random note: I was telling a friend the other day how one of my life goals is to attend a rave outside of America. What comes to mind is Europe of course. They have always known what is up in the house/electronic/techno/trance scene. Those crazy Europeans. I also have this image in my mind of attending a rave in the Netherlands, or Norway. I just feel like it'd be crazy.

But most of all, I would love to go to one in Brazil. The idea is incredible. This music video consistently blows my mind.

Everyone and their moms in the UC system is studying abroad, I swear. Perhaps I will too. Unquestionably, I choose Latin America as my destination - Brazil in particular. UC Davis doesn't have a wide selection of Latin America study abroad options, unfortunately. Although they do have a Cuba program, which is amazing. Other than that, there is also Argentina and Chile, both of which are appealing as well.

Well, this post just turned into a clusterfuck of things that have been on my mind lately. You bitch, May!

It's 4:20 pm.

I'm impossibly lazy today. It is Sunday, after all. The thought of returning to school tomorrow and returning to Davis tonight kills. Luckily I love Spring Quarter.

My brain isn't ready to shut down quite yet but I need to go to Costco to buy cat food. Cat owners constantly have to buy cat food. Cats love cat food, and I love cats. So....

My bong has been castrated.

It happened shortly after I published my last post. I was successfully doing homework (I was very productive that night) and had to print something. Unfortunately, my attempts at plugging in my printer resulted in me knocking over my bong, which was on the floor, on carpet.

After knocking it over, I let out a short gasp, then felt relieved when I only saw some water and glass on the floor.

It was then that I saw a shard or two of glass.

The gasp that came out of my mouth was quite ghastly and surprised and strained.

I felt miserable. The part that broke is the part that holds the stem up. Fortunately my bong is very usable still, even if I hadn't used a bandaid to fix it. I will buy super glue and attempt to piece this little gem back together.

It will be okay, it will be okay, I want to tell myself, as I rock my body back and forth and rub my hands together like someone coming off a coke binge (not that I would know what that feels like).

--------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I'm on an incredible sleep deficit right now. It happens every week. The past thirty days I have pulled at least 4-5 all nighters, if not more. If I am lucky, I can get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night. No naps, either. It is completely miserable.

Typically I get one day a week of sleeping in, which is Saturday night to Sunday afternoon. I had a huge essay due today, so I straight read my books from 3 pm-2 am Monday night. Which is the night that I broke my sexy bong.

On Tuesday I woke up at 6 am after a four hour slumber because I had a hefty amount of Chinese homework due at 10. I did something pretentious and rather sophisticated, which was go to Peet's in the early AM. It was nice to be the youngest person there and feel comfortably invisible. All around me were older people having sophisticated talk. Three men nearby talked about the girlfriends of their younger lives. They were not vulgar at all. One man talked about how, no matter how fun a crazy, adventurous chick is, she will bore you after a few short years -- it is best to settle down with a nice girl. How nice! (I went to Starbucks today, by the way. Why is it that younger people hang out at Starbucks and older people hang out at Peet's?)

I had lunch with Felicia and went grocery shopping with her. Then we went to the library for god knows how long. I managed to finish both of my books and write an outline of my essay. I was so tired. My face felt like it was falling off and it was a real labor just to understand simple things. I was in bed by 12:30 am and felt as though I were about to have a psychological breakdown. My body hated me, but my mind was racing. It was the stress. I felt like screaming.

Fortunately I fell asleep, and my alarm woke me up at 4 am this morning. Writing my essay was painful, and I am disappointed in my quality of work because I know I could have done much better, and was forced to leave out much of what I had planned in my outline due to time constraints. So my essay probably seems messy, unfinished, and careless. But I turned it in.

I went to the bookstore to study (more like, I lost one of my books that I had bought for CHN 106, so I go to the bookstore and illegally study there by using their books). As I was walking among the shelves I felt incredibly sick. I felt lost in a white haze and felt my body starting to sway. Was I going to faint? I grabbed hold of one of the shelves and stood there for a good thirty seconds, allowing my body to come to. Then came incredible nausea. My head was pounding and had the strangest sensation. I don't really know how to describe it, except it felt like there was straight murk in my brain, swirling around in madness. I could almost hear it, it seemed.

I paid careful attention not to vomit on the girl in front of me, because I literally thought I was going to. I also felt utterly confused; I didn't know where to find my book. Skipping class was not an option as I had a mandatory quiz to take (quizzes sum up 50% of my class grade, and I am doing poorly in this class). Well, no, I'm not crazy. I realize that this dramatic effect on my health is enough reason not to go to class, quiz or no quiz. But I sat down after finding my book and started feeling much better and more normal. I ended up going to class and it wasn't horrible. I don't regret going.

I went home and slept, not setting an alarm, but woke up at 7, rather disappointed as I had only been asleep for 4 hours, and couldn't fall back asleep. That was fine though, as I am now awake since then and have plenty of schoolwork to do by tomorrow. I feel good, despite a pounding headache. I will try to get more sleep tonight.

I realize that this post was quite boring and rather pointless. However, I suppose I'm trying to cognitively tell myself I need to plan things better. I could benefit from utilizing my weekends better. At the same time, I feel I deserve to have some fun on the weekend. I could also work less, but I really don't work that much anyway, and I really need the $$$.

I've already decided not to do my internship this quarter. I can hardly fit it into my schedule anyway, so that makes sense. It also seems as though I won't be able to do my triathlon in April. At first, this idea killed me, but after the past few insufferable weeks, I think this is only fair to my body and mind. I can't afford to train right now, although I will try to hit the gym when I can still, or else I will go BONKERS.

I'd like to think my body and mind can endure anything, but in truth I'm only human and need to take myself less seriously!! Really, though, I looked utterly horrible today. I looked like Satan. I have never seen myself look so ugly. My skin was fucked up, blotchy, and dehydrated looking and my eyes were red. My hair looked drab. My mind, in a haze.

We are mid-quarter already, and the quarter is only going to get more lethal. I have finals in a month. That idea is crazy to me. I only have one more year of college left, but it seems I still haven't adjust to the insane quarter system.

I was so psyched to take humanities only courses this quarter, but I find that these classes are keeping me even more busy than the math/science classes I used to take. (This makes sense due to the insane amount of reading and writing I have to do for COM 135, but also because I care so much more this quarter about my grades and my major than I ever did about science and math.)

So I am tired and undernourished, sleeping in 2 to 4 hour cycles, and as a result, unhappy and agitated. Still confused about my future, still a pothead. Whatever, I will get over it. Resilience is key, bouncing back and proving yourself wrong is crucial. (Do you sense a contradiction here? I do.)

I am choosing my classes for next quarter tomorrow, and will be more careful in my planning.

A wink, a smile, some comforting words

May,

This is an extraordinary essay, beautifully written, powerfully argued, at once lucid, nuanced and passionate. You have beautifully used Schweithart's essay to open up both Pizan's and Sand's texts and have exceeded my expectations. Congratulations - what a powerful writer - what an amazing reader of texts you are. It was such a pleasure to read this paper.

Let me amuse myself and pretend that there is a God. For fifteen minutes, my heart had floated. It was if He had known (I struggle not to put He in quotations) of my flailing confidence, in myself, in my future. All my doubts as a "writer", a literature student. And to then be affirmed by an established intellectual. To be proud. To keep dreaming.

In my last post, I had mentioned that I had written something depressing. It was precisely this subject matter that I had written on; the thoughts ravaging my mind, all my capabilities, but more so, my incapabilities. A future of grey skies and routine. (The lyrics to Fitter, Happier sum it up quite well, as does another poem that is off the tip of my tongue, but I can't seem to remember the author or title, and it is driving me a bit bonkers.)

A confidence boost, indeed.

I spent the rest of the evening watching Animal Planet, reading, and taking breaks to discuss my cats. Typical me. A telephone conversation with Rachael (Hello). And now, bed.

There are good days,

There are bad days.

To come anew and chronicle my day

Goal: to write about something else other than weed...

I woke up much more tired than usual. While I regularly put my body through sleep-deprivation hell, the previous night of sleeping at 4 am and waking repeatedly throughout the night till 8 am really got to me. My lovely cats, hard to be angry at them for being the naturally boisterous and loud creatures that they are. It has become apparent the past few weeks that if I am to smoke to sleep, I do need to go for more sleep-friendly strains...

Who can recant a day's memories and make them seem interesting, beautiful even? Not me, for another day is just another day of boredom. A dull day.

Between class, I worked on an essay (yawn). My creative juices began to flow (this tends to happen when I'm tired) and I ended up writing a somewhat depressing piece, which I'll post some other time. It could be a little better, not that I'm willing to spend a lot more time on it. The utter pointlessness. Then more class. Then another. Yawn. My mother calls me to yell at me, and I feel terrible. But, yawn. I study at the bookstore and let my eyes travel upon new titles. I touch them, beautiful, lovely books.

But I am tired, you bore me.

Then darkness settled in. Darkness like curtains being drawn on a sunny day, and all you'd like to do is go out and play. But no. A refusal from some outside force, it might seem, or perhaps it is my natural inclination for this darkness. All at once, I felt -- alone, stupid, small, insignificant, crazy. Darkness, in the sheer darkness of past sunset, in Davis, CA, I felt I blended in with the shadows better than the color black. The chill in my bones. Ash and soot. In the worst mood possible. A leave-me-alone mood.

And I walked home and I tried to let it past. Thought of remedies and things that would make me feel better without lashing out on others. But it would not past, not for a while. I had some food and felt better, then smoked, and felt a whole lot better. Six hours and two bowls later, yeah, I feel a whole lot better.

I'm confused...confused as to why I feel this way, so frequently that it's almost every day. It often comes in moments, can last hours, can drag on through the whole day, draining my energy, my totality and vigor for life. I've been trying to be more forgiving to myself, but with some hard thought, I don't think it's normal to be as emotionally unstable as I have been feeling lately. Very fragile. It comes and goes. I'm functional. But 'depression' should not be a function of myself.

There is more I could say, but my brain aches and 3am has found its way to me. Incense lit, and cocooned till tomorrow. Another day to be tired. I hope for the best, tired person.