Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I am moving to pinkpipe.com, see ya there.

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Inception Dream World

El Capitan

Diamondhead State Monument in Hawaii

I think I should record my dream before I forget.

I wanted to write it down this morning, but was in my usual I'm-frantic-as-I-get-ready-for-work state. Which is unfortunate because perhaps I have forgotten key aspects to the dream, or now this is lost in translation...

I was in Tahoe last week so most likely this is where the setting for the dream came to be...I was in some kind of national forest. In my dream it was assuredly Diamond Head State Monument, which is funny because that park is in Hawaii (I've been there).

But in my dream I wasn't in Hawaii.
But in my dream I did see the actual Diamond Head, which is funny again because I haven't seen the image of that since I was about seven (but have thought about it again several weeks ago as I was planning a now canceled trip to Hawaii with my mother). Isn't that strange?

Except Diamond Head had morphed with both Tahoe National Forest and Yosemite...so the figure of Diamond Head somehow became El Capitan as well.

It was astonishingly sunny, bright, and beautiful, the whole of my dream, even indoors.

EVERYONE was there. All of my friends. My family. It reminded me of the final episode of Lost; all the important people (as well as unimportant - there were people EVERYWHERE) were there and DRESSED UP.

I don't remember what was said to all of my friends & fam. I just remember walking around the "park" and some large facility that resembled an aging elementary school, that somehow morphed into a fancy train in which everyone was dressed in formal attire.

Out of nowhere, I saw my old roommate sitting on train steps next to a handsome man in a suit (She met him on Match.com LOL). I said hello and we talked some nonsense.

Another friend of mine was standing behind her for some damn reason.

Somewhere in that zone, I woke up.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Everyone was in my dream except my father.

The whole dream, I had been searching for him, on that damn train. Looking through rooms and corridors and corners and he is nowhere to be found.

In my realest reality, that is OK. But I woke up on this beautiful Friday in the worst mood even though the dream wasn't "bad".

It's OK. I'm pretty sure I'll have a damn good Friday (all the alcoholics in the house, say heyyyy LOL). I'm having a good Friday already. I didn't get the internship I wanted for Arnold Schwarzenegger's newsroom, but they said they may want me for another department, so I'm getting interviewed again next week. And the boss that I am terrified of said good morning to me, and he referred to me by my NAME (I wasn't sure he knew my name lolol). And in an hour I'm getting the stitch in my back out, and hopefully will learn of my biopsy results, and can ask my dermatologist further questions...hmm.

I'll get over my daddy issues soon, in a few years, or decades. Mentally I have told myself to stop searching.

We'll see.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Birds of prey

I have been encouraged to write in this more, so I will try although at times it seems a lost cause.

I'm at work right now and feel as though my computer activity is being watched by hawks... but I have a lot on my mind.

Item One is my recent (as in the past year, that I have begun to address) realization of my mother's loneliness that has been the pit of my weakness and the source of my guilt. I have been her punching bag and she has not unbolted me.

Item Two is that I will unbolt myself. I will let go of all this negative energy. That might be impossible but I can already picture on paper, a dark cloud leaving my body. I will not even blame anyone. I will not even blame myself. I will just trash it.

Just now, just an hour ago, I was walking around outside (on Market St. in the Financial District) minding my own damn business when I locked eyes with a man in business attire. I could not look away due to the strange nature of his walk and the intense expression on his face... As he walked past, he said something completely sick and depraved to me.

The most regular looking man with such a complexly disturbed mental interior... There are vultures out there.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This is a blog post that serves no real purpose

Man, I love edibles. The consumption of edibles and the subsequent high experience takes place in three stages:

Stage One: Consumption

Stage Two: Waiting

Stage Three: High

And sometimes,

Stage Four: Completely blasted to smithereens

I am not a fan of Stage Two. At times, this works, such as when me and my friends go hot tubbing at the gym. At the locker room, we ingest the edible and chill in the hot tub as the feeling of the high creeps in on us (Sometimes it doesn't creep, sometimes it slams you like a fucking train).

In general, taking edibles with friends is fun because you get to see if it'll hit you at the same time or not.

Tonight, I am not especially fond of the waiting stage. I greatly desire to sleep.

I really enjoy the effect of an edible when I am needing help sleeping. It is a body high that can often be much stronger than normal smoke inhalation. The high can be strong that it reminds me of my "greener" days (lol), when, young in this art that I was, smoking would annihilate my body in the best way possible.

As a more seasoned toker, this effect can be much harder to obtain. Luckily, an appropriate dosage of an edible can get me feeling the same way.

By now, perhaps an hour or more so in after my initial consumption, I am beginning to feel the high. I am hoping it will get stronger as time progresses.

I have been having trouble falling asleep all night and it is annoying me to my wits end. I only got four hours of sleep today, and have been quite tired and sleepy. Just can't fall asleep. I did have coffee today, but that was twelve hours ago.

This is a major and frequent source of annoyance in my life. I hate this feeling. My body is tired but my mind is much too alert. I did not even plan on getting high.

I often smoke just for fun, but in many cases, just to help me fall asleep. I am so thankful for this medicine. It has really helped me the past two school quarters. It helps me relax so much, and get enough sleep so that I can stay sane.

I am much calmer now that I feel this marvelous plant in my body.

Anyway, I have a lot in my mind right now. There is so much to think, do, and write about, but all I could do was write this post about edibles.


I do not look forward to the tired feeling of tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Codeine and Vodka

sans vodka.

I'm high off codeine right now. It feels very similar to marijuana, except with codeine you have to deal with the terrible taste and initial nausea. With codeine, there is also more of a physical tingling/throbbing sensation, particularly in the hands.

At least that is how it is for me.

I'm about to seal the deal and smoke some (vape!), but not before entering a few words into this white text box...

Wait a minute -- *takes puff from inhaler after cough attack* Ahhhhhh.

- - - - - - - - -

The reason I am abusing substances right now is because I seem to have bacterial bronchitis at the moment. Well, I suppose this is not abuse since this is all legal. (Feel free to skip the next few paragraphs, it is a bit redundant)

I have been sick for the past three weeks. It started out with an innocent tickle in the throat, just in the morning and at night, for a few days. Slowly the feeling grew stronger, but I, being the dumb retarded ingrate bitch that I am, ignored it, until I felt an increasing sensation of daily fatigue, but all was manageable.

Until that Thursday two weeks ago when I woke up with that horrible swollen swelling brain dizzy feeling. Since I had already been waking up and feeling sick already, I tiredly proceeded to my morning class, only to find that the feeling was ever increasing. I came home desperate for my bed. In it, I collapsed, and the sensation of murkiness subsided as I fell into a deep sleep.

This phase of the sickness continued for a couple days, then transformed into a few days of extreme congestion, then extreme runny nose, and now I seem to be in the final (I hope) phase, Cough Til' Ya Die (nix on the dying). (Fareal though, I was contemplating going to the emergency room on Sunday night when breathing got difficult, this prompted me to finally see a doctor the next day)

Of course, these symptoms love to mix-and-match, but for the most part, I'm just in coughing mode now.

- - - - - - - - -

Was there a point to me stupidly describing my very-bad-cold in detail? Of course not, there is never a point to anything I am saying.

But, probably what I am trying to say is that my body feels like shit, and as seen from my last post, my mind feels like shit. On top of that, a cold sore has developed on my lip, which is not only gross, but also troublesome because I never used to get cold sores, but now I do, due to my body being constantly weakened by physical and psychological stress. AfterawhileallmybitchinggetsreallyredundantandIcangoonandonabouthowunfortunateIam, but perhaps I can reduce my argument more-

The other day, I was watching Addicted (say hello to my inner sadist) about a woman addicted to prescription pills. Boy, was she fucked up. Day in and day out she'd be poppin' those pills, and it's not like she'd go crazy and recklessly run about town with a fucking machete. Rather, she would sit on her couch and eat cereal, and suddenly slump over and fall asleep into her cereal. Then awaken and spend the rest of her day as a drone, entering and leaving reality, quiet with her body tilting at various angles.

There is our world, but she simply wasn't in it.

Okay, it sounds frightening, but in a way, I understood. To not want to deal with all these affairs- family affairs, friend affairs, work/school affairs -the business of life, a never-ending to-do list. You pop em' pills and it's an escape.

Unhealthy, nonsensical? Yes. But do I sympathize? To an extent, a smidgen of an extent, yes. The older and "wiser" and more stressed out I get, the more I sympathize with such behavior. Who wants to deal with the daily bullshit anymore. Who wants to work with the premise that you must earn money, because that is the fundamental tool for success in this society (more or less). Who wants to make relationships with people that ultimately will never understand you.

So that is when you start to become a drone.

There is more to life, I understand that. I am not a cold-hearted bitch, at least not completely, not in essence. But there are times when I'd like to clear my mind, lose all this negativity. So that part of me "understands" drug abuse.

Anywho, thank god fo' weed.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Black Birds On A Scarecrow

As women, we are under constant threat. A thread of hair lies misaligned, our makeup is not perfect. A shoelace is stupidly, untidily untied, but stupider is not wearing heels or "female appropriate" shoes. Our body is misshapen, and our face, asymmetrical.

Our body and our mind, is at times, a disaster, and we spend our whole lives trying to "fix" it, if only it were possible.

Machines and scientists and scalpels to fix your body, but nothing to fix the psychologically oppressed mind of a woman.

Never thin enough, never smart enough, never good enough. Women are constantly teetering with their self-worth, always in a battle, of Am I Good Enough, Was I Ever Good Enough, and Why Can't I Be. They are constantly comparing, denying, and objectifying themselves.

And for what? the prize of the male gaze, intellectual gratification, personal worth, "love"... ...the most ridiculous part being that we're to attract men (speak: MEN!!!), and so it is for this that we've twisted the ideal image of the female again and again- He says that this is what she must look like. He says this is what she must act like. In the meantime, she struggles to become a She.

It is no coincidence that amid thousands of years of human existence, across different cultures and spans of time, the woman has been condemned, always placed at the bottom of the social strata*. And for what? For childbirth? For our weaker bodies? Our soft minds? Our incapacity to learn?

I don't know where I'm going with this. Only that as I gazed at myself in the mirror this evening, I was so unsatisfied with what I saw. It was not just my reflection that disappointed me, but my wavering attitude towards life, my inability to meet my own wild/outrageous expectations -- the failure of passing some retarded test I had given myself.

And for what? What am I trying to prove and who am I proving this to? What is the point of all this?

As a self-conscious preteen I had always imagined not a world of humans, but a world of souls - where there is no physical manifestation of the self, just souls to judge each other by. True character. Doesn't exist, of course. Merely a fantasy.

I'm not having the best night, for sure, but I'm only wondering what day I, and other girls like me, will quit being fascinated by the mirror and what we see (and don't see). The Reflection is an Infection.

I had pondered this as I stared at my dark brown eyes, the dark bags underneath that highlighted my tired skin. Now, my fingers try to form the thoughts I had been thinking at the time -- Believe me, my reasoning sounded far better in my head.

I cannot, do not, speak for every female. I am merely trying to shed light on a short feeling of female insecurity that all women feel at different times in their life, this feeling that Society (patriarchal society, what have you) slapped in our face with His dick.


Anyway, some other time I can develop my thoughts more on this. Knowing myself quite well (and yet so unwell), tomorrow I will probably be posting something on Why Women RULEEE and get all Amazonian and shit. And then Why I Love Men, and there'll be a picture of Zak Bagans in raver pants.

I mean, who cares though. We're all just sum hoes and bitches.

*but still above the Jews.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Make you feel that way

Make you feel that way...

Up and early for the hope of a brand new day
See a homie you ain't seen since back in the day
Fresh haircut fitted wit a fat ass fade
End of work, we chilling on a Saturday
How you felt when you first heard the data came
Rakim KRS hey I had that tape
Cooling out with ol girl on a fat ass date
Find a hundred dollar bill wow man that's great
Get promoted at your job up to management
Plot a long time finally a plan has made it
Time I feel I wanna shout, man its real that way
Wanna think of things that make you feel that way


Christmas day when your mamma got your first bike
Type of feeling when you went and when your first fight
How your team felt winning championship games
Celebrate in a huddle dancing in this rain
Have a thought see a shooting star cross your screen
Put in hard work finally your living your dream

Deaf man get his hearing now in come vibes
Blind man get sight see his first sunrise
Dumb man speaking out, now he's load and clear
Earth through your chout smile so proud ya wear
Going in your third eye for the styles ya hear
Making music that'll bump for a thousand years
Eating right feeling conscience like health is first
Said a prayer that's sincere and you felt it work
Times I feel I wanna shout, man it's real that way
When I'm thinking things that make you feel that way


All up in her vibe something coming over me
Summer days more likely that you notice breezes
Winter days more likely that you notice heat
When I'm warm more likely that you notice me
In the dark it's more likely that you notice light
In the light more likely that you notice night
Hungry more appreciation for that meal
Dead broke more appreciation for that grill
A bad day'll make you really notice ones that's good
And that'll make things a little better understood
Times I feel I wanna shout, man it's real that way
When I think of things that make you feel that way
Make you feel that way...

(Ya know its like ahh like the most greatest feeling you could ever feel
you like just total illation. Sunny day, just that day.
You know its just like you know just the most joyous feeling
you could ever comprehend. You know, chilling with your family.
You know just you know just really really feeling,
feeling the moment, with the folks. Ya know really really really just chilling.
It's love. It's love. It's love)
Song makes me happy. Lyrics are a go.

I had a bad day. I was exhausted. I still have a bad cold and have been coughing till my eyes tear up. From dawn till dusk I'd been working on school related things: waking up at 6 am, driving to Davis, realizing I never did my homework due at 10, stressing, giving up, bullshitting, realizing I would be busy all afternoon and night, and on top of that, had a group meeting at 9 p.m. of all hours, and still more to do after that.

All because I didn't do shit over the weekend except play.

At the same time I thought of how wonderful the weekend was, how much fun I had with my friends, laughing and joking and fucking the weekday, because fuck the weekday.

And I was thinking this morning as I was driving in the Monday Bay Area fog gloom, falling in and out of traffic, how much I hated the start of Monday; that's when the flood of thoughts come in and all the things to do and how much I suck and how much school sucks - back on the Monday grind when I fucking hate the Monday grind.

Fuck the grind, fuck Mondays, fuck routine. So sick of the same shit day in and day out. So fucking pointless.

Such are the relentless negative Monday morning thoughts of May Yang. Not like this every Monday, but on particular Mondays of stuffy nosedness, headachiness, cloudy, rainy, stress-provoking, almost Finals, Monday, Monday, Monday. Didn't U2 mean to write "Monday, Bloody Monday" instead of whatever crap they wrote? Sundays still have promise. Monday is only good because it leads to Friday.

All in all, I felt like this all day:
Cloudy headed, disconnected, & fucked-up looking.

It wasn't until the end of the night did I remind myself of the Universal Rule of Chill. Just gotta chill sometimes.

I'll be cool man. Just gotta take it slow, breathe a little, laugh a lot, smoke up when I need to. I got all the right tools - friends, family, etc. - just gotta u-til-lize my resources, yanno? & shit.

Pop dat Dayquil/Nyquil, (didn't know combining Sudafed and Dayquil could potentially cause death), drink cough syrup like you're Lil' Wayne, smoke a blunt, whatever.

Coo'. Chill.

Everything's coo'.