Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Codeine and Vodka

sans vodka.

I'm high off codeine right now. It feels very similar to marijuana, except with codeine you have to deal with the terrible taste and initial nausea. With codeine, there is also more of a physical tingling/throbbing sensation, particularly in the hands.

At least that is how it is for me.

I'm about to seal the deal and smoke some (vape!), but not before entering a few words into this white text box...

Wait a minute -- *takes puff from inhaler after cough attack* Ahhhhhh.

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The reason I am abusing substances right now is because I seem to have bacterial bronchitis at the moment. Well, I suppose this is not abuse since this is all legal. (Feel free to skip the next few paragraphs, it is a bit redundant)

I have been sick for the past three weeks. It started out with an innocent tickle in the throat, just in the morning and at night, for a few days. Slowly the feeling grew stronger, but I, being the dumb retarded ingrate bitch that I am, ignored it, until I felt an increasing sensation of daily fatigue, but all was manageable.

Until that Thursday two weeks ago when I woke up with that horrible swollen swelling brain dizzy feeling. Since I had already been waking up and feeling sick already, I tiredly proceeded to my morning class, only to find that the feeling was ever increasing. I came home desperate for my bed. In it, I collapsed, and the sensation of murkiness subsided as I fell into a deep sleep.

This phase of the sickness continued for a couple days, then transformed into a few days of extreme congestion, then extreme runny nose, and now I seem to be in the final (I hope) phase, Cough Til' Ya Die (nix on the dying). (Fareal though, I was contemplating going to the emergency room on Sunday night when breathing got difficult, this prompted me to finally see a doctor the next day)

Of course, these symptoms love to mix-and-match, but for the most part, I'm just in coughing mode now.

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Was there a point to me stupidly describing my very-bad-cold in detail? Of course not, there is never a point to anything I am saying.

But, probably what I am trying to say is that my body feels like shit, and as seen from my last post, my mind feels like shit. On top of that, a cold sore has developed on my lip, which is not only gross, but also troublesome because I never used to get cold sores, but now I do, due to my body being constantly weakened by physical and psychological stress. AfterawhileallmybitchinggetsreallyredundantandIcangoonandonabouthowunfortunateIam, but perhaps I can reduce my argument more-

The other day, I was watching Addicted (say hello to my inner sadist) about a woman addicted to prescription pills. Boy, was she fucked up. Day in and day out she'd be poppin' those pills, and it's not like she'd go crazy and recklessly run about town with a fucking machete. Rather, she would sit on her couch and eat cereal, and suddenly slump over and fall asleep into her cereal. Then awaken and spend the rest of her day as a drone, entering and leaving reality, quiet with her body tilting at various angles.

There is our world, but she simply wasn't in it.

Okay, it sounds frightening, but in a way, I understood. To not want to deal with all these affairs- family affairs, friend affairs, work/school affairs -the business of life, a never-ending to-do list. You pop em' pills and it's an escape.

Unhealthy, nonsensical? Yes. But do I sympathize? To an extent, a smidgen of an extent, yes. The older and "wiser" and more stressed out I get, the more I sympathize with such behavior. Who wants to deal with the daily bullshit anymore. Who wants to work with the premise that you must earn money, because that is the fundamental tool for success in this society (more or less). Who wants to make relationships with people that ultimately will never understand you.

So that is when you start to become a drone.

There is more to life, I understand that. I am not a cold-hearted bitch, at least not completely, not in essence. But there are times when I'd like to clear my mind, lose all this negativity. So that part of me "understands" drug abuse.

Anywho, thank god fo' weed.

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